The Battle of Alesia
So we’re gonna talk about my Lord and Savior, the big JC. That’s right Julius Caesar and “One of the most remarkable feats of arms in military history”.
In the year 52 BCE, three years before he would become Don Gadda of the Roman Empire, JC was fighting against them troublesome Gauls up in France and his most troublesome opponent was a lad by the name of Vercingetorix.
Vercingetriox was/is kind of a hero in the Asterix vein of the Gauls. His name literally means ‘great/supreme king/leader of warriors/heroes, so he was kind of a big deal even before he was promoted to Chieftain. After uniting most of the tribes of Gaul under one banner he went on to record a W against JC, and opened a can of whoop ass on the Romans at the Battle of Gergovia, killing several thousand Roman soldiers and forcing the Roman legions to withdraw.
Beaten but never defeated, our hero Big JC harried Vercingetorix back to his stronghold at Alesia and laid siege to the Fort. The fort of Aleisa was on a hill, had two rivers running past it, one north and one south, and could only be taken by hard work/a heavy loss of troops. This was why JC decided on siege rather than full frontal attack.
Just as an aside on that word play, some Gallic tribes fought in the nude in an attempt to distract their enemies and according to John Saddler “Battle can be arousing- fear has its effect on the body as well as well as the psyche.” So imagine, if you will, several hundred naked men at half mast running towards you and then ask yourself if you would stand your ground?
The army facing Caesar was 80,000 strong not including all the “normal” townsfolk that were already there before Vercis (it’s a long name to type out!) turned up. Caesar had 50,000 legionnaires and various auxiliaries, so this brought his total up to 75,000 by the highest estimates.
So rather than just sit back on his laurels (that’s a homonym btw), Big JC built 25 miles of fortifications around the fort including an anti cavalry moat and several trenches. Now the sneaky thing is that the trenches and anti cavalry moats were built to stop any attack on JC’s wall. If Vercis wanted to attack Caesar, his troops had to get over a 20ft wide trench, if they scaled this then had to deal with a 15ft “V” shaped trench, and finally a moat as JC had diverted the rivers into his trenches, also there were several pits with wooden spikes, Predator style hidden around with branch covering them.
After a failed attack by Vercis troops, they were soundly beaten by Caesars Germanic troops who were, by all reports, mental, Vercis sent out the call to all and any Gauls that could fight and come save his ass. One of the leaders that showed up was a cousin of Vercis, Vercassivellaunus (never typing that again so remember it peeps) who showed up 60,000 men. Several other leaders also turned out with, if you believe contemporary records (ie Caesars and the historians that fawned over him), nearly 300,000 thousand troops.
When these all conquering heroes turned up they met with another wall! You see Big JC never rested on his laurels and had been “interviewing” captured soldiers and had got wind of the incoming relief force, so he went all Roman and did what they do best and built a wall outside of his first wall (Hadrian would have been proud). The second wall was 14 miles in length, again with moats, traps and 33 towers to overlook the points of attack that the relief army may have.
At this point, Vercis unloaded the dead weight and told all the women, children and men over fighting age to do one and sent them out of the fort. Maybe he hoped that Caesar would take care of them but he didn’t know my boy like I do, and Caesar told them to fuck right off and when they tried to get back into Alesia, Vercis said the same thing!
After a few forays, Vercis attacks were pushed back and his reinforcements made little impression on JC and his troops, with many seeing the writing on the wall and disappearing into the night and withdrawing back to their own villages.
There’s no way to know how long the siege lasted but it was probably less than two months as JC had shite to do, but Vercis surrendered and according to myth rode out on his horse, circled JC’s camp and then threw down his arms. He was probably dragged out by his soldiers as they wanted to eat something that wasn’t boot leather and had seen their mothers and children starve under the prick!
JC went on to be the first Roman Emperor, and the greatest imo, and the Gauls were eventually assimilated into the Roman Empire by 27 BCE despite Asterix and Obelix.
The M.O Podcast 